Long before Diva became, well, Diva, I earned the nickname Diva myself. Except it wasn't really a good thing. You see, even back in the 4th grade when my reading group did a play for the rest of the class, I wanted to be the 'star'.
But growing up in the apocalyptic religion that I did, putting attention on oneself was a big no-no. All glory was to go to God.
Really, I wasn't allowed to even *have* my own dreams and ambitions, let alone *follow* them. And any school plays I wanted to be in, well, the scheduling always conflicted with church meetings that must *never* be missed unless ill or dying.
By the time I left the church, I was old enough to see the bad side of being famous, the cost if you will. The lack of privacy, the lack of control over what people say about you. I came out of the church with a huge need for control over my own life, so I knew that giving up that control for fame wasn't something I was willing to do. I wanted to live life on MY terms, not society's.
But I still dreamed about performing...
A few years ago, TMAME and I started attending various local plays. I realized that, unlike the movies, people of all ages shapes and sizes perform. I thought to myself at the time, hey, I could do that!
So what has held me back?
Time. Kids. Money. Oh, and FEAR.
I've lived most of my life in fear, that's how religion works. I chose to not live my life in fear the day I walked out of the church, so why am I letting it in my life now?
Well, two small kids don't really give you time to think about anything you might have missed doing in your life, that's for sure.
But my previous student loans are paid off, and the only thing stopping me from going to school is my inability to gather the courage to go and apply.
But I haven't truly found/decided on my passion...
I want to take drama classes. I want to take writing classes. I want to study the history of the bible. I'd love to take classes in sexology. There are so many different things I want to do, it makes it hard to decide. Which is a great de-motivator, of course, when added to FEAR, and just makes me lock up.
Will I eventually sign myself up for classes? Maybe, maybe not. The days where my daily mantra is "the world does *not*, in fact, revolve around me" makes me leary of fame and attention, because I *can* become the diva that everyone hates, and that's not the type of person I want to be.
Choices. Conflictions. Contradictions. This is my world. It's just like everyone else's.
2 comments:
This post really struck a chord with me - I have been musing as well on the nature of choices and things done and undone.
In thinking about it this morning, after reading this, I was reminded that the times I have tried something out of my comfort zone which has gone spectacularly bad leave me, in the years to come, with wonderfully funny stories that only get better with age.
However, the times I have chosen to do nothing have left me, for the most part, with sadness and regret.
Library cards are free (and a safer half-measure). It may not seem like a big step to read a book about acting / art / apologetics / writing, etc but at least it gets you incrementally closer to where you want to be instead of a paralytic state of uncertainty.
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