Required Anonymity

These are the killer shoes I wore to the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar Release party.

Photo courtesy of @sroxy (thanks babe!)

Posted by Eris at 11:54 AM | 1 extra thoughts    
Labels: hnt, pictures, sex bloggers

Posted by Eris at 1:06 PM | 0 extra thoughts    
Labels: e[lust]

Long before Diva became, well, Diva, I earned the nickname Diva myself.  Except it wasn't really a good thing.  You see, even back in the 4th grade when my reading group did a play for the rest of the class, I wanted to be the 'star'.  

But growing up in the apocalyptic religion that I did, putting attention on oneself was a big no-no.  All glory was to go to God.

Really, I wasn't allowed to even *have* my own dreams and ambitions, let alone *follow* them.  And any school plays I wanted to be in, well, the scheduling always conflicted with church meetings that must *never* be missed unless ill or dying.

By the time I left the church, I was old enough to see the bad side of being famous, the cost if you will.  The lack of privacy, the lack of control over what people say about you.  I came out of the church with a huge need for control over my own life, so I knew that giving up that control for fame wasn't something I was willing to do.  I wanted to live life on MY terms, not society's. 

But I still dreamed about performing...

A few years ago, TMAME and I started attending various local plays.  I realized that, unlike the movies, people of all ages shapes and sizes perform.  I thought to myself at the time, hey, I could do that!

So what has held me back?

Time.  Kids.  Money.  Oh, and FEAR.

I've lived most of  my life in fear, that's how religion works.  I chose to not live my life in fear the day I walked out of the church, so why am I letting it in my life now?

Well, two small kids don't really give you time to think about anything you might have missed doing in your life, that's for sure.

But my previous student loans are paid off, and the only thing stopping me from going to school is my inability to gather the courage to go and apply.  

But I haven't truly found/decided on my passion...

I want to take drama classes.  I want to take writing classes.  I want to study the history of the bible.  I'd love to take classes in sexology.  There are so many different things I want to do, it makes it hard to decide.  Which is a great de-motivator, of course, when added to FEAR, and just makes me lock up.

Will I eventually sign myself up for classes?  Maybe, maybe not.  The days where my daily mantra is "the world does *not*, in fact, revolve around me" makes me leary of fame and attention, because I *can* become the diva that everyone hates, and that's not the type of person I want to be.  

Choices.  Conflictions.  Contradictions.  This is my world.  It's just like everyone else's.

Posted by Eris at 10:42 AM | 1 extra thoughts    
Labels: family life, general, sex bloggers

Well, now that we've been to NYC and "partied with the Rockstars", I've decided that I *never* want to be a rockstar.  I mean, I knew that before, but now, I *KNOW*.

I don't count followers or hit stats or track who's reading my blog.  That's not why I write.  I don't want to be on the Top 100 Sex Bloggers list.  Really.  

I don't want to be completely unknown, lord knows I love performing and being the center of attention, but I'd rather have my own little niche, where people that are important to me are the ones who give me feedback.  

I guess it comes down to that I'd rather be a good friend than a good blogger.  There are many times I fail at being a good friend, I don't want the pressure of being a bad blogger on top of that.

********

So back to our trip to NYC.  TMAME and I had so much fun wandering around Manhattan both Friday and Saturday.  I kept busy during the party (read: distracted from knowing NO one in a huge crowd) by making sure Monk, TMAME, Diva and Tess were all kept hydrated and fed during the event.  I did mingle a bit with those bloggers/twitterati that I had met at the hotel, so I wasn't hiding the entire time.  Just most of the time.

My reward was being suspended by Monk after the Rope Class on Saturday, and OMG, it was amazing.  

Shortly into my suspension, I came to a very startling discovery.  I crave touching.  Both being touched and touching.  

Now, my sister is laughing as she reads this because this is NOT how I come across to people.  I usually have this "don't touch me" zone around me pretty much all the time.  I like hugs, but only from friends.  But this *touching* thing, yeah, I actually need lots of touching from my lovers/play partners.  And I need to touch them back.  

So this realization is going through my head at the same time I'm trying to be "in the moment" while Monk suspends me.  Talk about a mind trip.  

Add to that that we went to Ground Zero just hours before and it's no wonder I had to shut down for a few days and just soak up energy from those around me.  

********

And this is the rope bracelet that TMAME gave me to wear at the party:

So very pretty!

Posted by Eris at 2:50 PM | 0 extra thoughts    
Labels: general, Monk, Rope, sex bloggers

I got so many compliments on my morning wear in NYC that I thought I would share the one part of the outfit I *didn't* take with me!

Happy HNT!

Posted by Eris at 12:15 PM | 2 extra thoughts    
Labels: hnt, pictures, sex bloggers

It was

fun.

awesome.

disappointing.

incredibly sad.

incredibly beautiful.

life changing.

informative.

painful (both literally and emotionally)

So many emotions went through me in two very short days.  My favorite part of the whole weekend was the life changing moment, but I don't think I'm ready to share that with anyone yet.

My second favorite part was meeting Audacia Ray and discussing her recent trip to India.  

The sad part?  Walking to Ground Zero.  I visited NYC 17 years ago with my church group, and actually went to the observation deck at the top of one of the towers, and to see the huge hole left, both in the ground and in the skyline just made me want to cry.  I barely held it together for the five minutes I spent in the museum.

And then we went to Twisted Monk's rope class!  The switching between emotions was brutal.  I finally processed a bit on the plane home, and let the tears flow enough to let it out.  

I will never forget this past weekend, or the many awesome friends we've made.  

Posted by Eris at 9:45 PM | 2 extra thoughts    
Labels: general, Monk, Rope, sex bloggers

A few months ago, TMAME signed us up for the local swinger's Halloween party.  I was not really looking forward to this, did he not remember the New Years Eve party?  And every party we'd gone to prior?  Besides, we were going to NEW YORK CITY, just a week after Halloween!  But I said "I don't care" and "That's fine" and went along.

Now, there are two groups of swingers in our town.  There's the Nascar crowd, and there's the Smug Urban Hipster crowd.  And they're both fucked up in the head.

No one seems to have a secure enough relationship to actually show affection or flirt with someone not their spouse.  Everyone waits until 2am before they actually show any interest in having sex with you, and then it's just a big orgy.  Not that there's anything wrong with that...

But there's no real connection.  TMAME and I have a rule that has served us very well in the swinger lifestyle.  We only sleep with people that we could be friends with.  We won't necessarily be their friends, but the possibility *must* be there.  We just can't do random hook-ups without some sort of 'click' or spark between everyone. 

My friend KC put it very well over on his last blog post (yes, he needs to blog more, he's fucking brilliant, but he recently got himself married and is disgustingly happy with my best friend now): 

In the end though, it’s a meaningless distinction. Lots of married couples “play”, and without the need to create an exclusive “in crowd”. Fuck buddies? Common among single people. One night stands? Common as well. Funny, I don’t see much of it in the lifestyle crowd.

It didn’t become painfully obvious until I met a few people that really did swing. It was, hey, let’s have fun. Not, hey, let’s go to silly parties drink expensive martinis and pretend we are cool because we are secretly openly doing what so many other people are”.

So, at the end of the day, you have a group of people that like to brag about having fuck buddies and don’t do much else, and to me… well, that’s LAME.

In conclusion:  If you don't understand the awesomeness that is Dr. Horrible, well, you probably won't get our sense of humor.  (ONE fucking person out of two hundred knew who Captain Hammer was! ONE!)

Now we just need to get over our introvertness and get more involved in the kink community here.  It's gotta be way more fun.

Posted by Eris at 9:47 AM | 3 extra thoughts    
Labels: Dating, frustration, Lifestyle, rules of engagement, sex bloggers, soapbox