Everything has a price. Whether the loaf of bread at the grocery store or the smile of your child, something must be paid.
Sometimes, you pay for your item before you receive it; sometimes you pay after. We’re not big on credit in this house, we like to pay in advance. My implants? Paid before surgery. Our wedding? Completely paid for in advance (including a few things that shouldn't have been).
We do have a mortgage on our house and we did have a loan on our car when we bought it new in 2003, but it’s now paid off.
I don’t like debt.
Right now, I’m in the middle of one of the hardest years of my life to date. And I entered it willingly. *Yes, I’m aware that I’m insane, tyvm.
The cost of following our dream and moving to the west coast is a large one, and multi-faceted. We left behind family. We left behind friends. We left behind babysitters! We left behind every support network we had.
We started over.
We’ve made new friends. We’ve found new babysitters. We’re slowly building a new web of support network.
Everything about this move was incredibly easy. Until after we actually moved. The first 3 months were the hardest, especially for me and my son. We had a very hard time adjusting, but we made it, we survived. But it was only the down-payment.
Now, the balance I knew I would have to pay is requiring payment, and it sucks. Giant Hairy Monkey Balls.
There are people I haven’t seen for 6 months. And have no idea when I will see again. People very important to me. The hope was I could return for a visit this coming March, but that hope is gone. I do not know when I’ll be able to return. The darkness seems endless. I *know* there is a light, it’s around a bend up ahead, but the frustration of not knowing when is starting to bubble over. Needs that are starting to realize they’re not going to be met anytime soon.
The need to see my sister, my best friend. To see some of my closest friends and chosen family.
The need to see my Sir. To see my boy. The beasts they feed inside me.
The need to be able to afford a babysitter so my husband and I can go on a date, together.
And yet I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams with how well our family has adjusted to our new life. I love our new home, the new schools and teachers, our new friends. Every day I wonder in amazement at how awesome our life is because we took a chance to follow our dream.
But these needs, these beasts, they crawl under my skin. They itch and make me ache. They make me shake and cry.
And then I feel guilty and ashamed that I hurt (ensuring that I cry even more). This is the price I knew I would have to pay, I have no right to complain.
That house, the one we have a mortgage on, the one we left, still chains us. It pulls us down, every. single. day. And every day it gets harder and harder to fight to stay positive, to remember that there is a light, that the payment *will* be made in full. Then we will have the rest of our lives to fully enjoy this leap that we've made.