The Price.

Everything has a price. Whether the loaf of bread at the grocery store or the smile of your child, something must be paid.

Sometimes, you pay for your item before you receive it; sometimes you pay after. We’re not big on credit in this house, we like to pay in advance. My implants? Paid before surgery. Our wedding? Completely paid for in advance (including a few things that shouldn't have been).

We do have a mortgage on our house and we did have a loan on our car when we bought it new in 2003, but it’s now paid off.

I don’t like debt.

Right now, I’m in the middle of one of the hardest years of my life to date. And I entered it willingly. *Yes, I’m aware that I’m insane, tyvm.

The cost of following our dream and moving to the west coast is a large one, and multi-faceted. We left behind family. We left behind friends. We left behind babysitters! We left behind every support network we had.

We started over.

We’ve made new friends. We’ve found new babysitters. We’re slowly building a new web of support network.

Everything about this move was incredibly easy. Until after we actually moved. The first 3 months were the hardest, especially for me and my son. We had a very hard time adjusting, but we made it, we survived. But it was only the down-payment.

Now, the balance I knew I would have to pay is requiring payment, and it sucks. Giant Hairy Monkey Balls.

There are people I haven’t seen for 6 months. And have no idea when I will see again. People very important to me. The hope was I could return for a visit this coming March, but that hope is gone. I do not know when I’ll be able to return. The darkness seems endless. I *know* there is a light, it’s around a bend up ahead, but the frustration of not knowing when is starting to bubble over. Needs that are starting to realize they’re not going to be met anytime soon.

The need to see my sister, my best friend. To see some of my closest friends and chosen family.

The need to see my Sir. To see my boy. The beasts they feed inside me.

The need to be able to afford a babysitter so my husband and I can go on a date, together.

And yet I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams with how well our family has adjusted to our new life. I love our new home, the new schools and teachers, our new friends. Every day I wonder in amazement at how awesome our life is because we took a chance to follow our dream.

But these needs, these beasts, they crawl under my skin. They itch and make me ache. They make me shake and cry.

I hurt.

And then I feel guilty and ashamed that I hurt (ensuring that I cry even more). This is the price I knew I would have to pay, I have no right to complain.

That house, the one we have a mortgage on, the one we left, still chains us. It pulls us down, every. single. day. And every day it gets harder and harder to fight to stay positive, to remember that there is a light, that the payment *will* be made in full. Then we will have the rest of our lives to fully enjoy this leap that we've made.

Random things

I've been encouraged to keep this posting to this blog, so, in lieu of an actual post (because all my good ideas are right before falling asleep), some more random things I've ... discovered.

I heart biting.  Really really hard biting, that leaves a welt or an invisible bruise. And then pressure so deep it spasms as the pain is rubbed away.

I'm afraid of posting on my blog about things I don't like.  Both of my Sirs "stalk" me to keep track of me, and I don't want them using my dislikes against me.

That being said, I really really really hate delaying orgasms.  The kind where I'm brought to the edge and then not allowed, until like the next day! (and then, the evil one has a bad headache, so there will be no orgasming tonight, either) Just... GAH!

And lest you worry about those two evil men stalking me, don't worry, I stalk them right back!

I'm growing more comfortable with my dominate side.  Once I figured out that I just needed to top the same way I liked to be topped, well, it got sooooo much easier!  (DUH!)

Oh! And traveling anywhere up or down the coast on the weekend? Just a really bad idea if you like good gas mileage.

The "Lifestyle"

A few months ago, TMAME signed us up for the local swinger's Halloween party.  I was not really looking forward to this, did he not remember the New Years Eve party?  And every party we'd gone to prior?  Besides, we were going to NEW YORK CITY, just a week after Halloween!  But I said "I don't care" and "That's fine" and went along.

Now, there are two groups of swingers in our town.  There's the Nascar crowd, and there's the Smug Urban Hipster crowd.  And they're both fucked up in the head.

No one seems to have a secure enough relationship to actually show affection or flirt with someone not their spouse.  Everyone waits until 2am before they actually show any interest in having sex with you, and then it's just a big orgy.  Not that there's anything wrong with that...

But there's no real connection.  TMAME and I have a rule that has served us very well in the swinger lifestyle.  We only sleep with people that we could be friends with.  We won't necessarily be their friends, but the possibility *must* be there.  We just can't do random hook-ups without some sort of 'click' or spark between everyone. 

My friend KC put it very well over on his last blog post (yes, he needs to blog more, he's fucking brilliant, but he recently got himself married and is disgustingly happy with my best friend now): 

In the end though, it’s a meaningless distinction. Lots of married couples “play”, and without the need to create an exclusive “in crowd”. Fuck buddies? Common among single people. One night stands? Common as well. Funny, I don’t see much of it in the lifestyle crowd.

It didn’t become painfully obvious until I met a few people that really did swing. It was, hey, let’s have fun. Not, hey, let’s go to silly parties drink expensive martinis and pretend we are cool because we are secretly openly doing what so many other people are”.

So, at the end of the day, you have a group of people that like to brag about having fuck buddies and don’t do much else, and to me… well, that’s LAME.

In conclusion:  If you don't understand the awesomeness that is Dr. Horrible, well, you probably won't get our sense of humor.  (ONE fucking person out of two hundred knew who Captain Hammer was! ONE!)

Now we just need to get over our introvertness and get more involved in the kink community here.  It's gotta be way more fun.

AURRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Yeah, all that stuff I said about vanillas?  Talking out of my ass.  It's not vanillas, it's just MEN!  

Well, most men, anyway, there are a few exceptions.

Last night, instead of meeting a new guy I found on one of our swinger sites, I spent the evening with a girlfriend bitching about men.  

I realize that things come up, work keeps you late, whatever.  At least have the decency to CALL ME and tell me you won't be able to keep our date instead of leaving me to wait for you to show.

Asshole.  

I'd only date girls if I thought they'd be any less trouble.

yeah, I know...

I'm a slacker.  I totally blew off HNT this week.  Maybe next week.

In other news, I've had a mental breakthrough regarding vanillas.  At least in regards to what I'm looking for.  And this applies to both the males AND the females.  

They may SAY they just want a hook-up or a fuck-buddy, but they're REALLY looking for a relationship.  And they will always put looking for a relationship before looking for a hookup.  Or their hook-ups are only with potential relationships.   (And then there's the friend who's so totally involved with his new girl that he doesn't even have time for me to pick his brain about vanilla boys!  Although he does share his ciggies with me and make me awesome sushi, so I guess I'll let it slide.)

And I'm okay with that aspect.  I'm very tepidly putting my toes into the bi- and lesbian scene around here, so I'm going to try and remember this applies to BOTH sexes.  Although I did have a very hot lady connect with me on Myspace today, AND she's local!  So we'll see how it goes.

Also, my BIRTHDAY is coming up soon, and there will be a full week's worth of debauchery to be had.  I've got two single guys, one couple (for a foursome), and two seperate threesomes lined up.  Oh, don't you wish you were me!  I can't wait!

And then I'll be out of commision for at least a month starting May 14th.   But that's a story for another day.

fucking drama

Once again my birth family has taken my heart out and ripped it to shreds.

Suffice it to say that I will probably be laying low for a while, trying to fill this gaping hole in my heart, again.

Fucking religion.

It's not me, it's you.

Last Friday evening, I went to dinner with my Main Man's lover (who happens to be single and wicked smart) and we had a discussion about my previous post about vanillas.

Basically, her response was "Welcome to my world!"

For some reason, and I vaguely remember this from my dating experiences (almost 10 years ago), many guys like to chase, but as soon as you show interest and respond, they run away. And they do this to ALL the girls. Not just a select few.

But when a guy does that to a girl, usually she has no fucking clue as to why, is left completely bewildered and wonders what the hell she did wrong or if she isn't cute enough. It lowers our self-confidence and belief in ourselves.

And then these same men have the nerve to complain about women with no self-confidence.

Even though many of us women KNOW in our head that the rejection has nothing to us, it still bugs us. Why would someone show interest in us and then turn us down when we show interest back? It's just not... logical.

So yeah, I think I'm gonna just hang with the two really hot guys that I'm seeing right now. There will be no more random guys from the vanilla pool, that's for sure. And the next time I hear some vanilla guy complain about all the games women play on them, I'm gonna smack the shit out of them.

Damn Vanillas

What IS it with 'vanilla' guys? Seriously!

I've had TWO vanilla guys totally stand me up for a hookup! I mean, they SAY they want to hook up with me, but when it comes down to scheduling, they stop returning my messages. I mean, I know that everyone has a life and it gets busy sometimes, but damn!

Do they want MORE than just a hookup, or is the thought of a married woman just out for a good time turn them off for some reason?

It's not like I'm losing a friend if I let them go, but it still bugs my ego. It seems to be a bit more fragile than I thought.

I think I'll stick to the guys from the swinger's sites, they're really good at building up my ego. And giving me really lovely orgasms.


This week also includes Valentine's Day. My Main Man and I are going to a restaurant that a friend of ours manages, and it's always really good. I'm really craving one of his special sushi roles, so I need to remember to ask him for one! If he's working, that is. I forgot to ask him when we made our reservation. Oh well, I still need to find a sitter anyway!

And what's up with this really hot guy at the gym this morning that got on the treadmill right next to me JUST as I was finishing up? Dammit!

And I promise to get an HNT up this week. I had one for last week, but didn't get it uploaded to the computer in time. It's now ready to go, just waiting. PROMISE!

Learning from the past.

This whole poly-swing thing? Some days, it really sucks.

My Main Man and I have agreed upon rules. But relationships, they don’t follow rules. They happen when you least expect them. I should know, it’s happened to me before.

When I was married to my ex, I fell into an emotional affair with a co-worker. It became physical, yes, but it was more of an emotional affair than anything else. It gave me the strength to leave my douche-bag of an ex-husband, so it worked out in the end. Of course, the last time I saw said affair dude, I was in the middle of post-partum depression and looked like shit. That kinda sucked. Hopefully next time I’ll be more prepared.

This time, it was very different. I have no emotional hole that needs to be filled. This was an existing friendship that quickly developed into the type of relationship I wanted. Mostly about really hot freaky sex with little to no emotional attachment, and the agreement of non-monogamy; basically a fuck-buddy.

Except I’m not allowed to actually HAVE a fuck-buddy at this point. I’m allowed to flirt, kiss, and generally have a good time, but nothing beyond that.

Hormones, they are a powerful thing. Someone who makes you feel sexy and desired during the day while your kids are screaming can have a huge impact in how much you share with them. Sharing can lead to desires. Desires aren’t bad, per se, until they overwhelm you so much that you want to break rules to fulfill them.

So. Until I’m actually allowed to have a physical relationship with someone, I can’t have any type of sexual relationship (be it txting, email, or phone) with other guys.

I owe my two guys apologies. One of them a really BIG apology. I really didn’t mean (or want) to be that much of a tease. I am so very sorry.

Frustration.

In the interest of improving my health and loosing a few extra pounds that haven't left since my last child was born, I thought I would do a little work out this morning.

I got stuck on my stomach crunches.

It's really hard to count when all I can think of is having hot freaky sex. You know, the kind where you just tear each other's clothes off and fight each other trying to be the most dominate and totally fuck each other's brain out.

And Starfuckers, Inc. (NIN) is playing on my iTunes as I type this, how appropriate!