Mind-fuckery and Consent

Mind Fucks.

I've had two recently, and I have to say, I'm not a big fan.

The first time I had an honest-to-IPU* mind fuck, it was from Daddy**. I had forgotten to bring something that he had told me to bring. Huge no-no. I inadvertently consented to that particular mindfuck, it was my punishment for not doing what he had asked. I'm pretty sure I got off easy.

****
Yesterday evening, a friend of mine who I care very much for and with whom I already have definite emotional boundaries with decided she was done with life, and texted me goodbye and thank you. After several text exchanges, she stopped texting me and did not pick up when we called. I had already contacted her daughter via Facebook at this point.

It should be noted that this friend lives back in the Midwest, half the country away from me. She had also recently moved and I did not have her new address yet, so calling the cops was not an option for me.

Three hours later she texted me, finally, telling me that she had chickened out and a text that Tmame had sent her made her laugh. (She had turned her phone off so it couldn't be traced to her location.)

To say that I was very angry at her for her flippant attitude would be an understatement. I believe the words "Drama Queen" came out of my mouth. She became instantly contrite, but the damage had been done. I'm not sure how long it will be before I forgive her. I know that I will at some point, although I will never forget.

I know that I can't save her from the demons she has (and she does have demons), but I'm usually so much better at making sure those around me at least want to help themselves.

Today was spent wanting to be a Little with no responsibilities, to let someone else take this burden from me, if only for a little while. But I didn't. I'm dealing with my shit, keeping my big-girl panties on. Daddy can't fix this for me. Tmame can't fix it, either. Hell, she was his friend too, he's pretty pissed off himself.

So yeah. Non-consensual emotional trauma. I haz it. The line for hugs starts to the left. Or the right. Whichever. Cuddles work too.



*Invisible Pink Unicorn, Blessed Be Her Holy Hooves.
**Yes, I have a new Daddy. I now have TWO Daddies. I'm a lucky, lucky girl. And happy. Which explains the lack of posts lately.

Anchor

Things are... mostly good.

And yes, I say that somewhat surprised.

We have a renter for our house back in the Midwest. The first rent payment has gone through. The anchor that was pulling me under is now being carried along in a small lifeboat behind us. I can breath again.

And...

I get to see The Avengers on Monday!

However, Crazy Psycho Bitch is currently visiting, and this is about as positive as I can be tonight.

Peace.

The Price.

Everything has a price. Whether the loaf of bread at the grocery store or the smile of your child, something must be paid.

Sometimes, you pay for your item before you receive it; sometimes you pay after. We’re not big on credit in this house, we like to pay in advance. My implants? Paid before surgery. Our wedding? Completely paid for in advance (including a few things that shouldn't have been).

We do have a mortgage on our house and we did have a loan on our car when we bought it new in 2003, but it’s now paid off.

I don’t like debt.

Right now, I’m in the middle of one of the hardest years of my life to date. And I entered it willingly. *Yes, I’m aware that I’m insane, tyvm.

The cost of following our dream and moving to the west coast is a large one, and multi-faceted. We left behind family. We left behind friends. We left behind babysitters! We left behind every support network we had.

We started over.

We’ve made new friends. We’ve found new babysitters. We’re slowly building a new web of support network.

Everything about this move was incredibly easy. Until after we actually moved. The first 3 months were the hardest, especially for me and my son. We had a very hard time adjusting, but we made it, we survived. But it was only the down-payment.

Now, the balance I knew I would have to pay is requiring payment, and it sucks. Giant Hairy Monkey Balls.

There are people I haven’t seen for 6 months. And have no idea when I will see again. People very important to me. The hope was I could return for a visit this coming March, but that hope is gone. I do not know when I’ll be able to return. The darkness seems endless. I *know* there is a light, it’s around a bend up ahead, but the frustration of not knowing when is starting to bubble over. Needs that are starting to realize they’re not going to be met anytime soon.

The need to see my sister, my best friend. To see some of my closest friends and chosen family.

The need to see my Sir. To see my boy. The beasts they feed inside me.

The need to be able to afford a babysitter so my husband and I can go on a date, together.

And yet I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams with how well our family has adjusted to our new life. I love our new home, the new schools and teachers, our new friends. Every day I wonder in amazement at how awesome our life is because we took a chance to follow our dream.

But these needs, these beasts, they crawl under my skin. They itch and make me ache. They make me shake and cry.

I hurt.

And then I feel guilty and ashamed that I hurt (ensuring that I cry even more). This is the price I knew I would have to pay, I have no right to complain.

That house, the one we have a mortgage on, the one we left, still chains us. It pulls us down, every. single. day. And every day it gets harder and harder to fight to stay positive, to remember that there is a light, that the payment *will* be made in full. Then we will have the rest of our lives to fully enjoy this leap that we've made.

Reflections, conflictions and contradictions

Long before Diva became, well, Diva, I earned the nickname Diva myself.  Except it wasn't really a good thing.  You see, even back in the 4th grade when my reading group did a play for the rest of the class, I wanted to be the 'star'.  

But growing up in the apocalyptic religion that I did, putting attention on oneself was a big no-no.  All glory was to go to God.

Really, I wasn't allowed to even *have* my own dreams and ambitions, let alone *follow* them.  And any school plays I wanted to be in, well, the scheduling always conflicted with church meetings that must *never* be missed unless ill or dying.

By the time I left the church, I was old enough to see the bad side of being famous, the cost if you will.  The lack of privacy, the lack of control over what people say about you.  I came out of the church with a huge need for control over my own life, so I knew that giving up that control for fame wasn't something I was willing to do.  I wanted to live life on MY terms, not society's. 

But I still dreamed about performing...

A few years ago, TMAME and I started attending various local plays.  I realized that, unlike the movies, people of all ages shapes and sizes perform.  I thought to myself at the time, hey, I could do that!

So what has held me back?

Time.  Kids.  Money.  Oh, and FEAR.

I've lived most of  my life in fear, that's how religion works.  I chose to not live my life in fear the day I walked out of the church, so why am I letting it in my life now?

Well, two small kids don't really give you time to think about anything you might have missed doing in your life, that's for sure.

But my previous student loans are paid off, and the only thing stopping me from going to school is my inability to gather the courage to go and apply.  

But I haven't truly found/decided on my passion...

I want to take drama classes.  I want to take writing classes.  I want to study the history of the bible.  I'd love to take classes in sexology.  There are so many different things I want to do, it makes it hard to decide.  Which is a great de-motivator, of course, when added to FEAR, and just makes me lock up.

Will I eventually sign myself up for classes?  Maybe, maybe not.  The days where my daily mantra is "the world does *not*, in fact, revolve around me" makes me leary of fame and attention, because I *can* become the diva that everyone hates, and that's not the type of person I want to be.  

Choices.  Conflictions.  Contradictions.  This is my world.  It's just like everyone else's.

Of Anal and Fisting...

So my friend Molly recently joined the A-team.  Now, I may not have grown up Mormon, but I did grow up in an equally conservative religion where sex before marriage and being a homosexual wasn't allowed.  Neither was smoking, but that's a different story.

To survive, I made myself think that all the things we weren't allowed to do were these horrible, awful things.  I never let myself even consider doing them, they were wrong and against nature.  And even though I left/got myself kicked out back before I met TMAME, it wasn't until after our first spawn was born that I mentally freed myself from those beliefs.

When you have to re-write the rules for your entire life-structure and belief system, you may as well re-write your sexual/marriage rules. 

So anyway, back to being on the A-team.  Even after figuring out that I L.O.V.E. playing with women, the anal area was completely off limits.  Until a friend happened to mention how much she loved it, and how she now understood why the gay boys couldn't get enough.

What?  It feels good for ME?  Huh.  So now I think about it, and casually mention it to TMAME, who, to his credit, doesn't jump up and down screaming with joy.  Good man I've got there, yes he is.

So we start playing around back there.  We ordered a Felix from our good friends Freddy & Eddy.  They also hooked us up with a very nice butt plug from Tantus.  It took us over three years to progress to the point where TMAME could actually insert his cock fully in my ass.  

And he only stayed in for about 10 seconds before I exploded in orgasm.  

Then, I got a Njoy Pure.  The day I received it, I was going over to Molly's for a sex toy party, so I had TMAME insert it before I went out.  I was so turned on and wet that I made myself orgasm on the drive over.  At night.  In the rain.  Did I mention I was driving?

So where does the fisting come in?  Well, I've been a fan of vaginal fisting for many many years.  It's something the TMAME and I have done several times in the ten (TEN!) years we've been together.  

Now, I'm not sure I'm stretchy enough for anal fisting, but listening to Matisse rapture on about it, and then Monk making a tweet about it yesterday, I was reminded of how much I love vag fisting, and hey, we haven't done that it a while!  But I wanted TMAME to cum in my ass...  Which should we do tonight?

Decisions, decisions.  

When no coins are around, do both!  

So that's how I managed to cum/explode last night, with a fist in my pussy and a Njoy Pure in my ass (keeping the cum from dripping out, I might add).

Good times.

Hi!

Miss me?  Yeah, me too.  Real life has been absolutely crazy, and it doesn't look like it's going to get any more sane than it is right now! 

So both of my kids are in school (well, one is in preschool) and I actually have time to myself (HA!).  Of course, Monk had to go and ask for photos for his website, so I've spent all my free time this week either being photographed or taking photographs.

I highly recommend tying up cute boys and taking pictures of them!

So for this week's HNT here's one of the extra pics we did:

Oh, and we've booked both our flight and our hotel room for the Calendar Launch Party in New York!  Can.not.wait!

squee!

It's almost my birthday!  Going out to dinner tomorrow night with my family, playing Thursday night with a very nice (and hot) gentleman, not to mention all the crazy hot monkey sex with my hubby all week.  

It's good be Queen.

Well, crap

I have been a total slacker and not posted anything at all except HNTs.  Oh well.  

Here's another!  *smile*

Yes, it was cold enough to be wearing that coat outside, and we were in an unheated basement, no less!

My Main Man bought me that coat as a Christmas present one of our first years together.  He had orginally bought me a different one early in November (missing the Christmas rush, smart guy), but I was a snot and wanted one with fur, so he very sweetly took me to return it and pick this one out BEFORE Christmas.  I make sure to tell him several times each winter season how much I L.O.V.E. my coat.  

HNT!

I'm going to be mean, and only post one picture today from my photo shoot last week. I know, I know, so mean, but dammit, this way I've got pictures for MONTHS!


That little pinky ring is my engagement ring to TMAME, fyi. He gave it me Christmas 2000, and made both myself and his mom cry in the process. Me, because even though we'd picked it out, he'd told me we didn't have the money, and I'd probably get it for Valentine's Day, and his mom, because I cried, I was so excited. We were already engaged, he'd asked me in September, in New Orleans on his birthday.

This photo shoot I did for him. A big Thank You goes out to my friend Surge for helping me out!

ugh

I'm a horrible blogger, I'm sorry.  The holidays are crazy around here, and if you follow me on twitter, you know that TMAME has been sick with a sinus infection, which included fainting at 3:30am last week (NOT fun for me), and being allergic to Amoxicillian, something we did not know.

But now the holidays are over, and I'm trying to get out of my winter funk.  Well, after I take down the Christmas tree today.   

life is not fair

I finally found a muse and have a few posts in mind for this week, but this morning I recieved some horrible news.

A very close friend of mine found her fiance dead (by suicide) yesterday.  Less than 6 months ago her ex-husband, father of her child, also committed suicide.  

She's still numb right now.  

We will be travelling to be with her soon.

crap.

Apparently, people actually read this blog.  (I'm sure most are just here for the pictures, but still.)  

I have pictures I need to post for the lovely Diva, but I'm still looking for my muse so I can start posting again.  

In my defence, it is summer, and in trying to keep the kids from watching too much tv, we've been going to the pool and various parks quite a bit lately.  There's a berry patch a few miles from us, hopefully either this week or next we'll actually make it there and spend a morning picking fresh blueberries and/or blackberries.  

Oh, and I've joined the twitter crowd.  If you'd like to follow me and my kids (exciting, I know!), shoot me an email and I'll let you know what my id is.  

crazy life

So I was getting ready to post my hnt for the day, and I wound up taking my princess to the emergency room instead. No pictures this week, sorry.

She's fine, she just did a typical two-year old thing and stuck a piece of chalk up her nose. We went to the pool after, even. But I'm exhausted, physically and mentally.